Forever, for always

It’s getting close to the anniversary of that day again and I find my mind increasingly turning to you.
I know we’ve never met, and I know we never will. But I think about you sometimes and I wonder that if we had, would you still be here?
What a self-important thought.
How could I ever have such a thought? I have no right to think those things when I can hardly even call myself a fan.

The year I learned about you was the year you took your life. I didn’t know much about your group but you were the one I was drawn to because I thought your smile was the most beautiful. Is that too shallow?
Then when I heard you sing, I thought your voice was the most unique.
When I heard the news, I felt…stuck. Kind of hazy.
Why would a person who smiles like this want to go away?
Why would someone who puts such passion and intensity in their singing and performances want to leave?

It’s a strange feeling to feel attached to someone you’ve never met. How can I feel so drawn to someone I don’t even know? How can I feel so attached to someone whose music I only listened to in passing? Do I even have the right to care?
But there is a part of me that feels connected. Like I understand. But I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is that I understand.

What are you doing now? Are you happy?
Is your burden gone? Is your heart finally at peace?
I hope so. And I hope that one day when I make it to heaven I can see your smile again. We don’t even have to speak…your smile will tell me that it is okay now, and that is enough for me.
And I imagine that your smile in heaven will show me what your real smile looks like.
When you reached the gates, I hope you heard the words that you were longing to hear, “Well done.”
You said goodbye to us but you will never be forgotten. Your memory carries on and I know that one day I will see your smiling face again.

Shine on forever.
In my heart, always.
Kim Jonghyun ♥

“Never go too far, it’ll be okay. I will be your prayer. I’ll never walk away.”