Winter Mood Project

There’s a chill in the air

So, it’s been a year since I’ve last posted anything on this blog. 2 weeks short of a year to be exact, and life has been interesting. Autumn is here and the weather is only getting colder. This past weekend was surprisingly warm for this late in October, but it will only last for the rest of this week before dropping back down to the cooler temperatures. And as with every year when Winter is upon us, I feel my mood descending into a gloominess I can never explain. Many people love Fall and thrive in Winter because they love the “cozy season” or “cuddle season”. For me, I can assure you that even if I had someone to cuddle – even a puppy – I would still hate the winter for the simple fact that I hate being cold.

I fail to find the enjoyable things that Winter brings besides the Christmas holiday which allows time away from work and time to see family. And every year I find myself falling into an unexplained sadness and a general unpleasant feeling that lingers throughout my days and increases in intensity every time I step outside into the elements, and every time I look out the window and see gray skies, chalky asphalt, and barren trees.

My soul thrives in sunshine and warm weather. I love seeing flowers bloom in Spring and Summer. I live to be surrounded by greenery. I love tropical plants and it makes me sad that I can’t have them in my own apartment because they die once the weather gets too cold due to the chill and the dryness and all the bugs that come once plants get dry. I bought a humidifier, I’ve moved my plants away from window drafts, yet still they die off and I can’t help but feel like pieces of me go with them.

I hate being cold, and in Winter, I can never get warm. On a bus, in a store, at work, wherever. It’s cold everywhere. Any happiness or pleasantries within me are frozen just like all the ice on the tree branches that break off and fall due the weight.

Super dramatic, I know. But Winter does that to me and I want to change that, which is the whole point of this post. I want to change how I feel about winter and how I handle my emotions throughout the season. I don’t want to chalk it up to seasonal depression then suffer until Spring comes back. So, I have created what I am calling my ‘Winter Mood Project’.

Turning things around

The ‘Winter Mood Project’ is a personal project where I actively try to engage in things that can help me create pleasant memories of Winter. I got the idea from a YouTube video I watched of someone who has similar feelings I have about Winter, only their negative feelings are towards Summer. For this personal project, I have made a list of things that I would like to accomplish this Winter. Not only because I want to shift my attitude towards Winter, but because these are things that I have been wanting to do for years. I also have now reached the age of 30 and I want to make my 30s the best I possibly can.

I feel that I have allowed too many years of my life to pass by being unhappy and not stepping out to truly express myself or be the person that I want to be. I have lived in fear of my true self due to my upbringing while being hyper aware of and caring too much about other people’s thoughts and opinions. Opinions about me, opinions about just…things, and it’s draining. I can’t continue to allow my life to pass on while not enjoying it; while not actually living. I am only getting older and I don’t want to reach the age of retirement having regrets due to never allowing myself to do what I want to do and be unapologetically me.

This project is to propel me onto that path. The path to self. The path to pleasant Winter memories. It’s time for me to finally take my own ‘about’ section of this blog to heart: “No matter what, life still goes on. So why not just let go of fear and finally take action on accomplishing my dreams and goals anyway, wherever they may lead me? Chasing the sky is a journey of learning, new experiences, and self-discovery. In order for my journey to begin, I have to start somewhere. I choose to start now.”

I wrote that in 2019. Here in 2022, almost 2023, I have not been living that.

So, yes. I’m starting now. Welcome to my 30s.